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This stinks...

Aug 20, 2008 10:58AM - 2 comments

I thought for sure this was my month. I thought it from the DAY that I ovulated.  I was scared to be confident or cocky about it, but I thought for sure.  My hormone levels were great, I thought.  Although, it would have been nice to be able to get some information regarding the Estradiol patch and how it would affect the numbers since it was the first time that I wore it.  It's hard to imagine that .05 mg/day for 3 days would raise my levels from 95 to 340 without a little miracle in there.

I want to be strong! I want to be accepting of God's plan for me. I feel like a hypocrite. I am just so sad and I don't know what to do. I didn't tell anyone (except my cyber friends) so now, there is no one to share in the grief with me. I don't want to be sad. I want to be okay. I want to be pregnant. I didn't want to cry.  I didn't want to test.

But I read some stupid posts on twoweekwait.com about symptoms and a couple of them talked about bloody noses and sinus trouble, which I had out of the blue for the last two days, so it gave me renewed hope and I tested.  

Da**, why couldn't I have been stronger? I told myself that I wasn't going to test - I even told DH that I wasn't going to test.  Why am I so weak? Why can't I stay off the Internet? I am great about advising other folks to stay off it and to ignore what they read, but I can't.

This *****!!

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by Keyan, Aug 20, 2008 12:00PM
I am so sorry you feel like this......we are humans, and it is completly normal to do different from what we want.... I too feel sometimes as a hypocrite, espcially when it comes to "God's plan" (If I am accepting God's plan, why do I pray everyday for a baby?) I even tell God that I am sorry If I am not doing the correct thing by praying everyday and not "leaving" it to Him...but I know God knows me better than I do myself and He knows my heart and what I go thru every month...

YOU ARE a strong woman, TTC is not for everyone, Only us, the brave ones, continue in our quest of a baby month after month...it is very easy to give up and not try anymore, but we don't do that, we continue to try, sometimes we handle the frustration better than others, I had my cry, long long long cry this month even before I saw AF, as soon as I realized, cz of cramps she was coming, I thouhgt this was it...but here I am on to another cycle getting ready to Oing.....it is normal to feel the frustration and cry and even become addicted to the Forums and POAS as early as 5DPO, you know what keeps me of the tests are those ugly words saying NOT PREGNANT, I hate those words.

Just vent and get everything out...know that I am here for you.

by Juana824, Oct 10, 2008 10:41AM
Praying for you and hoping you feel better really soon!
Love and hugs!

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