Shot#34 Its nobody's fault, who is this nobody anyway?

Lately I have felt very snappy with my kids, I feel like maybe its related to the medicine or somehow my MS. My patience is not what it used to be. There was a time when I had so much patience for everything and everyone in my life. I wonder about this illness and the things it takes from us, the people we used to be before, and now. I wonder about how hard it must be on a child to have a parent who is sick. I haven't done much with them this summer, the heat is just too much for me. Last summer before my DX I spent the whole summer outside in the heat and I paid for it with fatigue that lasted into November. This year I have been hiding out because the heat just saps me of what ever strength i have, and I need to have my strength to go back to work come september. This has robbed  my kids of me, in the sense of I don't do much and when i do venture outside I feel like I was run over by a truck, its just not worth it. I guess we are all suffering from some serious cabin fever, so we walk around bickering and snapping at one another. I know its been hard on my daughter Kristina she has commented to me more than once that I don't go anywhere I try to explain it to her, but how do you explain something you just don't understand yourself sometimes.
My girls are getting ready to embark upon a missions trip to the Dominican Republic next tuesday with our church. I am so proud of them and excited for the adventure they are about to go on. They are such good girls, different and special and unique, each one has a gift and talent and a love for the Lord. I will miss them when they go, I miss them now, and they live in the same house with me. Mostly I miss who I once was with them.

Today we went out to buy some things for the trip, I had no idea how hot it was outside, the minute we stepped out and the heat hit me i was done before we even left the block. I could feel my energy slip away, i could feel the truck barreling towards me. I was feeling quite crappy in the store, my daughter Kristina was holding on to my elbow and keeping her eye on me. We finished and got back to the car and i just wanted to go home and crawl under the covers. I had trouble getting out of the car. Tina had to help me out and walk me into the house. My left leg was killing me and my lower back had some pain in it , my hands were numb my legs were numb I was a mess.

Came time for the shot tonight and of course it was my left leg, I warned my husband that it was bugging me and to be prepared for it to be a bad one. Tina came to stand next to me, and I held on to her for dear life. The minute the needle hit my skin I tensed and my husband had to grab on and Tina was telling me to relax my leg it was to tense. My husband was talking me through it and it was really painful. I spent the next 15 minutes crying. My husband kept saying he was sorry, and tina just kept hugging me. I reassured them that it was ok it was nobody's fault.

Nobody's fault. Such a strange concept, its nobody's fault and yet it feels like  someone has to take the blame right.
When I can't go outside and my kids are missing out  its nobody's fault. When my husband has to give me a shot and know that he has hurt me with it, its nobody's fault. When I became a diabetic and my sugars drop to low and i am angry or nasty during the low and I scream at my kids, its nobody's fault. When I am to tired to cook dinner or just function ,as  a wife, a mother, a friend,  its nobody's fault. Who is this nobody? If the fault is not mine that I got sick it seems so unfair how many people around me have to pay for something they didn't do or ask for. I feel like its my fault sometimes. I know i didn't ask for this, but I still feel like I must be to blame. I feel like it would feel so much better if i could blame someone or something else but i hate blaming this illness, if i blame it i give it power and God knows I don't want to do that.

My kids didn't ask for this. My husband didn't either. My friends and family that I love dearly didn't ask for this, and yet I feel like I somehow brought this on them. I feel like i am the "nobody" who's fault this never is.  As humans we  have a need to be able to blame something or someone when something happens. Sometimes our lives are lived in a way that yeah, we bring things on ourselves. I didn't invite this MonSter into my life, and yet it came uninvited without an invitation and it doesn't even know when to leave sometimes. It doesn't understand that I have a family that needs me, and now is not a good time. Sadly I know there will never be a good time for this. So it has taken up space here in my life and I have to make room for it, which I really don't want to do, but if i don't it is selfish and greedy and will take away from my family, my life. So I make room for the MonSter, i hate it, but you know what they say keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. This is my enemy and I have to keep it close.

Shot #34 is over, its nobody's fault and I am left wondering who is this nobody anyway?
Until next week

Be Blessed
Cindi