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Coming to terms with my emotions

Aug 12, 2008 01:03PM - 14 comments

I thought I could do this but now I am not sure at all. Once again the tears are streaming down my face.
I have spent the last 2 days trying to sort out my feelings and come to terms with my overwhelming emotions without much luck.
  As much as the weekend meant to me and always will, I came home to find that life goes on. I found out yesterday that I have been having some kind of reaction to my chemo. They stopped it in the middle, gave me more benedryl and sent me home. The next steps, I have no idea yet. I came to the forum and find the news about Ronni and am just devastated. Then i see the frightened posts from a few having their first recuurence or starting their chemo for the first time. I read about bohan (Sharon) losing her hair. All of this brings a whole new set of emotions flooding in.
  I want you all to know that this past weekend was for all of us whether you were able to make it or not. I just finished giving an interview to my local paper and I made sure that she knew that the weekend was not just about us all meeting. That we would like to see this as a first step, no matter how small, as a step towards raising ovarian cancer awareness, that we would all like to see teal become as prominent as pink and that if we can help to save even one woman's life from this horrible beast that we would know that our own fight was not in vain.
  I don't know if I could ever write about this weekend as beautifully as some of the others did as I am still having trouble even coming up with words to describe it, but I promise to try. And I can't post as many pictures as my moms camera is not the same as mine. But the others had pictures that told the whole story.
  I did notice that many referred to their journals. For those of you who do not know, I purchased a journal for everyone there to be used for whatever they wanted. The most wonderful part was we were able to write our own message to each other. Though it was a small item compared to what some of the others gave, it has come to mean so much to me. To have a note written by each of you in your own handwriting and not typed out makes you real. And I havwe to aplogize for the chicken scratches you recieved from me. My penmenship is not as good as it used to be and mix that with several drinks, well I know that you are lucky if you can even read half of what I wrote. So in the days to come, I will send each of you a message that I hope you will print off and put in your journal. No better yet, I will write a letter, but I promise that you will be able to read it.
  See it is just as I thought. I guess that I am not emotionally ready to write about the weekend. But I will. You have to also excuse my typos as it is hard to see through the tears.
  I know that there was a lot of aprehension for many about the whole concept of the weekend. But I hope that in reading everyones thoughts and comments, that will have changed for many of you and that next year so many more of you will decided to come. And yes, that is my dream, for this to become a yearly event, with each year being bigger and better than the last. Whether I am around to come to even one more, I hope that someone will take over and continue on. Though I plan on attending many more, I do not know what the future holds for me. None of us do, but to know that this first time will be carried on, makes me feel proud to have been a part of it. Some day I want to be able to look down upon all of you still here and see the smiles on your faces and the tears in your eyes as you too meet for the first time. I want to be able to look down and see teal everywhere I look and to hope that I will always have a special place in everyones heart for being able to get something like this started.
  No, I have not recieved any bad news, but I am just facing the reality of my situation. I cannot even stand the thought of ever losing any one of you and I hope that I have made some kind of impact to you so that you will always remember me.
  OK, so I guess that I will have to try again with a journal of the weekend. I just have to get past all of these emotions.
All of my love to each of you.
   Chris

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by vegas2cr, Aug 12, 2008 01:26PM
Chris I wasn't there physically but you can bet your you know what I was there with all of you spiritually and emotionally...I looked at the photos and laughed and cried and knew that friendships were bonded that could never be undone... We all love you... I know you did a heck of a job and I could not come close to being the hostess you were...
Awareness was why I got a tattoo.. awareness is why I talk to every woman I meet and awareness is what keeps us all going.. knowing we can and will educate others...G-d Bless you Chris I know that many years from now when it is your time there is a special place reserved you...You notice I said many years from now... and I meant that.. Love you.. Ronni

by ChrisP2236, Aug 12, 2008 01:32PM
Okay - now I'm crying - you are so eloquent in your emotion. I think we all hope this becomes an annual event and that we can all be there next year.  You have been such a blessing to the women on this forum in so many ways - your kindness, compassion, sense of humor, honesty and clarity have helped so many of us as we grope around and deal with the permanent changes this disease has brought to our lives - getting to know you and the other ladies on this board is one of the nicer changes - we hate that we belong here but we are blessed to have each other's support and friendship. I'm so grateful for you and the other ladies here.  Hugs, Chris P

by butterflytc, Aug 12, 2008 01:36PM
Dear Chris,
    I know how you are feeling today, as I feel the same way..we had such a wonderful time this weekend, and yes we came home to our friends and newcomers still being hit with bad news. I wish it could be different but it isnt. Just remember Chris..we all knew going into this event that it was important, as some of us may not get a chance again. We met in cyberspace, and bonded in reality. You did that Chris...You made it happen. No matter what happens now from this day forward, we will always have Springfield. Yes we and our friends here in medhelp will continue to go thru the fight, some days hard, and somedays worse, but you taught us, none of us is alone in the fight. not just with words..but with hugs. I will treasure, every word written, every picture posted, every journal entry and hug given, and I will treasure the lady who made it all happen..YOU.
Love always
butterfly
  Tc

by Terrin2, Aug 12, 2008 03:52PM
Chris,  I understand....
Amy

by Teresa222, Aug 12, 2008 04:12PM
Chris, I too understand.
Teresa

by gah_70, Aug 12, 2008 05:04PM
Chris,

It wouldn't be fair of me to say I know how you are feeling, but what I can say is that I understand how emotional it is when sorting out the various aspects of the weekend.  I have hesitated to write anything about it in my journal or on a post because I'm not sure I can do it justice.  I have read what the others have posted, and they were able to write their thoughts so eloquently, yet when I try, I find my thoughts, feelings, and emotions getting completely tangled up in my mind.  It was one of the lovliest experiences I have ever had.  It should be easy to let it all out, but I burst into tears every time I try.  The whole weekend was wonderful, but the balloon release is something that will stay with me forever.  The clear morning sky filled with those balloons was awesome.  The tears flow every time I think about it.  But like some of the others have said, the thought that more names will be added to that list next year scares me more than anything.  Whether my name is there or not doesn't matter.  But the true, heartfelt friendships I have made...well, my heart aches to think any of anyone else added to that list.  

Anyway, I'm just rambling now, but you are not alone trying to get through all these emotions.  You're right...we came home, and life goes on.  But I think it's important we remember why this is an online community.  We are here to offer support and information to those who need it just like they offer support and information to us.  The bad part of OvCa will always be there, but we'll get through this together.  Then, next year, when we do this again, we'll have another weekend where we can meet face to face, and hopefully develop deeper relationships with more and more people.  Thank you for all your hard work.  This is Chris' legacy for a long time to come.

Love,
Gail

by marie3B, Aug 12, 2008 06:51PM
Chris,  Above you wrote that you don't know if you could write about the weekend as beautifully as others did.  Honey, all of your words are beautiful. Your love for others and your determination to help other ovca sisters shows in every word you type or speak.  Knowing you has changed all of us for the better.  I went to my local support group today and tried my best to describe my experience in Springfield.  Telling about you was the most difficult.  Your energy and drive to serve others, the peaceful feeling you bring to those lucky enough to find themselves in your company, and the love that shines in your eyes is hard to put into words so others understand.  I am so sorry about the chemo reaction.  As always, you will be in my prayers.  I  love you, Marie

by Shari4444, Aug 12, 2008 08:52PM
Dearest Chris,

You truely are one of the most eloquent and beautiful writers on this forum. I do, so adore reading every word you type and print. I will, forever, cherish my journal and each and every written in it by my evr so special friends!!!! Don't worry about the "chicken scratch", I know mine was pretty illegible, too, after all those drinks!

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for doing all you did to Bring this weekend together. I, too, hope that there will be many more bodies there to hug next year : ) And, I truely believe, hope and pray that YOU will be one of them. Okay, now I'm crying......so I'm going to go for now. I love you very much!!!!

                         Hugs,
                          Shari

by JC145, Aug 12, 2008 09:18PM
The enormity of what you accomplished this weekend is beyond words.  I, too, have days when reality hits and they are the absolute worst.  Congratulate yourself on a job very well done.  Wish I could have been there in person ... my spirit was right beside you.  Judy

by fungirl1011, Aug 12, 2008 09:41PM
Chris, I too have debated about being able to post about the weekend.  Everytime I try or think about doing it I tear up (my husband actually asked if I had my hormone patch on.  LOL).  YOU are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.  Your writing is just fine.  I always look forward to reading what you have to say.  When I think of the balloon release ceremony, I find myself in a state of mind where I feel myself about to lose control of all of my emotions.  The thought that more names will be added next year not only makes me sad, but makes me physically sick to my stomach.  I could not bear to lose any of you.  I love you all so very much!!  We love you and are here for you anytime.  I am so sorry that you had such a bad reaction to your chemo on Monday.  I will cherish the journal you gave us and each word that was written in them.  The weekend was one of the most special times in my life, and I feel so blessed that you all welcomed me with open arms.  That meant more to me that I will ever be able to express.  Cancer or not, we came together as one and developed friendships that will last into eternity.  I really look forward to seeing ALL of you and even more women next year.  Sorry this may sounds so dumb.  See, you are not the only one who has a major problem writing what you are feeling.  The bottom line for me is that I love you all and felt your sincere love in return.  Thank you for all of your hard work and dedication to make this happen.  I love you.  Kasie

by gma718, Aug 12, 2008 11:09PM
Dear Chris - I cant even begin to tell you what a remarkable, generous, loving, caring, woman that you are..I think these posts from the others speak for themselves...from day 1 you have given me strength and support when I needed it...Thankfully, I did have a benign condition BUT all of you helped and cared for me beyond words.  I cry all the time reading all that you have endured and for what all these women have endured...I cant express in words the courage that all of you have shown me..I am so sorry about your recent side effect from the chemo..how in my heart I wish this nightmare would end for you!  How I wish each and every one of you would be cured! I dont even know what to say sometimes but I want you and everyone else to know whatever I could do I will do...You along with the other women on this forum have taught me how to be a better person and how to handle whatever life throws at me..I adore all of you and pray for all of you continuosly...When I look at those pics from the weekend I see a group of wonderful, strong, compasssionate women who have so much fight left in them and who are going to beat this disgusting disease............Love, Gia :)

by cirella, Aug 12, 2008 11:14PM
Dear Chris,
You have always been able to write with love and clarity.  It's totally understandable that you find it difficult to put into words what you are feeling.  There was so much emotion and meaning.  Each of us took something away from that time together, something each of us needed.  Only God knows what and why.  I'm glad, not glad about what was said, but glad you all are bringing up things I, too, wrote about but thought it was out of place.  I know it wasn't now.  I understand that I was not the only one to worry about the future, something none of us has any control over.  

Meeting you and the other women was a very good thing for me.  I thank you and Tc for doing a wonderful job of helping us all to have the memory of such an important meeting.  One that I sincerely hope is an annual event, not only for us to meet but to bring ovarian cancer out into the public eye on a bigger scale.  

I think that each of us who went is having a hard time really describing the emotional side of the meeting just means that it was almost too big and too meaningful to put into words.  But...we have all said enough that I'm sure those who were there in spirit are grasping it.  So, you guys...don't worry that you don't know what to say.  You're saying it.

Love!

by SimplyStar, Aug 13, 2008 12:32AM
My dear Chris, your words went straight to my heart, what I want to say to you all, is this,  I understand  what you are saying. Sometimes it isn't pleasant to put on that happy face, when you really don't feel like it, but courage comes through  and smile you must, even through your tears.  I saw smiles in all those pictures,  I also saw a group of very lovely ladies, not just thinking of themselves but many others. You are taking a stand against this horrid disease, because all it takes is just that first step.  Your story will spread and more will come together and who knows in time, instead of a few, there will be thousands. Even though I do not have OVCA, I will never feel any less a friend to any of you then I do right now. God Bless you all and keep you tight in His healing arms.  Marty

by lvfrogs, Aug 13, 2008 06:44AM
Chris,
I feel that you have put all your emotions and feelings into what you wrote, just as eloquently as the others.  What I have "heard" coming from everyone posts and journals is that there was so much love this past weekend, love and friendship forged forever - how special that is.  To go from here, a computer, to the weekend that you all shared is truly amazing. I want to say also that just being on the forum, all of you have helped more women than you can even know, sharing your experience, your knowledge, your caring and your love. You all have already changed many lives. Hugs, Colleen

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