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what do i do?  feel completely stupid and just blah

Jun 22, 2008 09:53AM - 7 comments

well dh and i had a huge fight last night and it was sooo stupid, and uncalled for really.  ok before i get into the fight let me give a little background.  i unfortunately have a very large jealous/possessive streak, due to being burnt so many times.  i mean when i was with my son's father i would catch him online telling women he loved them and that he was only with me because of the baby and trying to get them (anywhere from 16 on up) to cyber and take thier clothes off for cam....it hurt BIG TIME.  so i kinda have some insecurities. and now there is  rob who i love with all of my heart and who i know in my heart of hearts is not like that.  he lets me have friends, and doesnt care if i talk to ex's online or make new friends online(even if they are guys)....and what do i do?  he makes a female friend on a internet GAME and i get all jealous and possessive.  she is in california for godsake and we are in michigan.  what do i do to stop feeling like i am losing him, when i am so clearly NOT??? i know that if i can not stop with the jealousy and such that it is gonna eventually cause a rift between us and i dont want that.  i love this man almost as much as i love my kids and i know that he loves me, so why can i not just accept that he is gonna have friends on a GAME...am i a total loss? i feel like i am sinking and cant do anything but let the tides take me down.  

yes i am a little depressed, my baby is turning 6 in 6 days and i wont be able to be there, because he is in North Carolina with his donor. he has been gone for 3 weeks and will not be home for another almost 9 weeks. i miss him so much that i am not seeing straight half the time.  i dont begrudge him the time spent down there when he does seem to enjoy it, if only they didnt brainwash him the whole time...but that is another post. idk could the missing my son and the possessiveness toward my soon to dh be going hand in hand?  i have lost so many people that i loved whether by death or them leaving, or whatever....that i get so scared sometimes. i mean rob understands that and he has apologised to me for the other men in my life being a-holes but it isnt his fault or his place to apologise.  i mean i can understand where he is coming from, the jealousy and such would get really old after awhile...but i cant seem to help it...this one girl that he talks to alot, just rubs me the wrong way.  it is just really weird.  i mean it is just a game and it should be kinda like any other online thing, a chat, and nothing more, but it is hard for me and i need to come to grips with it soon or i am afraid there wont be a wedding in august.  

anyhow girls i hope that this post doesnt sound to lame, as i already got after myself last night....i got so annoyed that i threw my only flower vase and shattered it, just because rob accidently knocked it over onto my computer desk.  no i didnt throw it at him, but i wanted to...lol
but there are more days that not that i feel completely hopeless, and pathetic...i mean getting jealous over another player in a game...come on how much more pathetic is that? lol

again...anyhow, i will leave this at that and be gone for now....hugs and luv

Comments
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by mommyof3andhopefully4, Jun 22, 2008 10:02AM
Well Joyce, When I met my husband, I had been burned also.  So I was very protective of my heart.  And I still am.  Sometimes we will argue about something and it is completly ludacrious because I know he would never do anything to hurt me, and he says he is not like my ex husband...well, that is fine and all, but I would be an idiot not to learn from my past also.  I had to get him to realize that as well.  And you would be silly for not learning from yours.  Your DH needs to understand that the statistics for online (emotional affairs) are at an all time high.  It's easier and easier for men to cheat.  He needs to realize these insecurities and slowly start working on them with you...You know he isn't going to hurt you, he knows that....but he needs to understand.

Good luck and take care...

Heather

by renniemommie, Jun 22, 2008 10:16AM
I don't know youre whole situation, but it sounds like your ex has too long of a vistation time, that is the whole summer, too long for a little boy to be away from Mom and for Mom to be away from boy. I don't agree with that much visitation. If he wants to see the kid more, he should live closer and not get all the fun time. What you get the school/drugery part and he gets the fun summer? My brother and I used to spend most of the summer with Dad and of course we came back brainwashed.. I wonder if you can get that reduced to 1/2 the summer or something, maybe exchange half of X-mass and spring break and Thanksgiving for less of the summer being taken away?

Your depressed and loney for your boy, so anything else pilled ontop is going to upset you, hence being over sensitive over your honey.  

I will say that being possessive over your mate will only make him hide things from you and annoy him. Perhaps you need to have LESS openess in your relationship. Do you really need to know the sex and location of his online gaming friends? No, let him have his 5 hours a week (or whatever) and that is all you need to know. All relationships need some space and gaming might be his. It is reasonable to have an Adult, sane conversation over your concern about him chatting a long-time with anyone on the computer. Maybe you need other hobbies to do together that are not in front of the computer. Camping, biking, dancing,cooking, exercise, festivals, renovating the house..if you don't have that-get it!

Now, I can see why it triggers you, since your ex was doing nasty things on the computer and sometimes current behavior is a sign to watch for, but you have to be the Level headed judge of that.

I could say, the ex was years ago and to get over it, but you won't, no matter what I say. I can tell you, you have lived and learned and are wiser for it, but you don't have to let it control your current relationships. I am 38, my ex in my early 20's would cheat on me and later tell me details! and cut me down all the time (and I stayed?!?! WTF). It really broke my heart and spirt for a long time. I think I found myself becoming the boss in my relationships to stay away from that. But I will say, since then I have not brought that into my other reationships.

This might sound nutty, esp since I don't know your story, but this worked for me with my horrible breakup, talk to the ex about what he did, how it hurt you and how it is affecting you now, have a knock-down drag out over the phone, or tell him in a letter (even if you don't send it). That may clear up enough of the past for you to move on.

Maybe some short-term meds. I feel that being possessive can also be caused by obessiveness and that can be helped my meds. Are you obessive over other things? Low-dose meds could really help. I swear

Good luck! And as my Dad would say when you are stressed/depressed go exercise to burn it off and drink lots of water. LOL

Colette

by Joyce49788, Jun 22, 2008 12:17PM
as for the summer in trade of xmas or whatever....lol...that is the messed up part.  not only does he get from the first saturday after school lets out to the second saturday before school is back in, he also gets every other thanksgiving/christmas AND all of spring break.  i get very little if any of the "fun time".

as far as less open ness...not gonna happen we are not only engaged but are best friends and i tell him everything and vice versa...just the way we are.


by extrmeski, Jul 12, 2008 10:59AM
All I can say is don't let the past dictate your future.  Sounds simple almost cold, but if you let the people in your past still control you, then you are letting them win.  I had a very hard time with this at one point in my life, but when I realized that the only person I was hurting was myself I had to let go of the things that I had no control over.  I could fill up a book with all that I have been through and dwelling on it all would drive the Pope insane.  You have to take some time and figure out who you are, what you stand for and what you want from life.  If Rob feels the need to have friends on a Game, what need does that satisfy for him?  How can you help him satisfy that need?  Maybe you can play the game too?  Just suggestions coming from a guy.

by sandee1818, Jul 12, 2008 12:33PM
I have a husband that puts up with me and let me tell you I am not an easy person to get along with . I have realized that if you put yourself in their shoes and look at yourself you will get a huge eye opening!!!!!
I had to start acting a lot differently to make my actions show that I love and honor and appreciate my husband. He is so understanding and will not tell me if I upset or hurt him but when  I look at things from his view I would have left me a long time ago. You have to have other interest besides each other and if gaming is his hobby let him have it and trust him. If you love him and want a relationship where you trust each other and want to be together let him have some space and trust he will be trustworthy.

by unlaced, Jul 26, 2008 07:00PM
Alright...I've been there, done that.  Let's see...for starters, I agree that all summer is much too long.  I worked out our custody so that he could have my son for the month of July-that way it wouldn't interfere with June camps and he would be back in time to get ready for school.  He also has other holiday visitation, but since it costs $1000 to move him back and forth, a few days to a week isn't worth it and I keep him...HA.  I suggest trying to rearrange the orders, claiming that it is too difficult for your son to readjust after such a long shift.  Moving on, my ex was also a big-time gamer (online and off).  He didn't help me with the baby...he was just a jerk all around.  MInd you, he didn't start that way, but as soon as our son popped out, BAM, instant idiot.  Move on to my current husband and best friend.  I TRUST him with all of my heart.  I KNOW he would never, ever do anything to me.  But, when he talks to his ex's, who are JUST friends, I feel like I'm going to implode.  It's a self-esteem issue.  It's good that you let him know how you feel, though.  I say, talk to him about spending more time together.  Tell him that you have delusional insecurities and that you just need to be with him.  Honestly, he should be flattered that you care so much.  :)  If he loves you, he will understand.  I have to occassionally do this to my husband, and he LOVES spending time with me.  This is where you start to feel better.  I wish you the best of luck!

by Joyce49788, Jul 27, 2008 11:12AM
thanks everyone, we have worked everything out (my fiance and i), but i am still on edge about my son...because he is my son.  4 more weeks...whoo hoo



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