Today work was ok..I really do feel like its just a matter of time before they start breathing down my back because i cant get enough production done...I really do try I don't understand why i cant get as much done as everyone else...
Well actually I do know because I worry and doubt myself all the time...I keep trying not to but its hard..I dont like my job anyway but I really need the money and I would not get paid as well anywhere else..My family needs the money..

I missed the football game I was suppose to see today I completely forgot and came home just before 6pm and my family already left to go..My spouse so lovingly left a nasty note..then when i was in the bath called and left a message about how i ruined the tail gate because i made them wait for me...he makes me feel so bad..

anyway today *****..hopefully tomorrow is better.

Today was alright..same anxieties worries feeling like a constant battle to seem normal at work..but it was ok..

Over the weekend we went to my mother in law's to celebrate her and my father in law's aniversery..When we showed up she was loaded and riding around on a horse then trying to get my 3 year old son up on it with her..needles to say my spouse and I would not let her and shortly after an hour ride out there left...after 6 nasty messages about how she disowns us all; later crashed her other sons vehicle that he left in a ditch..Long story short she is fine vehicle is totalled and she still will not admit she has a problem..

I wanted to cut her off completely from our lives, just until she gets some help even attempts to and then be there to support her..My spouse just wants to limit contact. Either way Its depressing..I really have no family out here that I have a relationship with and she and her husband were pretty much it..Not to mention more importantly, with even just less contact I know my son will notice and miss them..So this is definitely hindering my quest for peace and happiness..

I have been eating junk again...and staying up late...

I hate how soo many horrible things keep happening in this world, I know mine compared to some other people on here is nothing but that makes me feel even worse that these things can happen and scares me...Sometimes I miss My faith in God but when i read things on here it makes me think twice about even tying to read the bible because I wonder how can these things happen if there is a God..at the same time in my heart I really still believe there is..I don't know..

Oh and I made my appointment for a pap test on Monday soo hopefully all comes back well and maybe the self riotous, arrogant, punk on the forum was right and my HPV is gone..One time i would be totally glad that someone like that was right...

Today I went to Chucke Cheese with my Spouse and Son for my Nephew's birthday. It was allot of fun. I freaked out a little inside a couple of times but pushed that away took deep breaths and reminded myself just to relax, even though i had to keep doing this it was still a good time. My Son had a blast and my spouse and I got along great so that made me happy.

Later I came home did some yard work, which makes me feel good even though i have a million worries running through my head, some called for some not..I keep pushing them away no point in worring at that moment because I couldnt do anything about it right then; .then I came in and now tired from pushing so hard which always feels good and im drinking my tea so I feel good, horrible and sad..but im just going to keep telling my self good..strangely enough this does make me feel better.

Had a hard time concentrating again at work feeling the fear of failure burning inside me; but kept a pretty calm exterior.
I jogged walked home from work today that made me feel pretty good.
went to walmart spent to much money that i don't have...I hate how $3 things can lead to $50 I don't have...grr..

Got hurt again by my spouse ignoring me and not even wanting to have a conversation with me more than 5 minutes,  then slumping back to his tv or joyfully ignoring me while he talks to his friends.Then I freak out say mean things and feel like a crazy *****. A lonely crazy *****...

now i am drinking tea and yes still fighting a million things running through my brain that I have to do or something will go horribly wrong soon..yes I will do them but worrying about them right now wont help...I will drink this tea and try and be calm and peaceful.