I've been back "home" about a month and things are barely tolerable, except on his days off when they are worse.  I appreciate all your prayers and kind words... but one person's trying and the other is barely tolerating.  I wish I could "reach" the man I used to know, but his phone appears to be disconnected... He's still moody and isn't sitting around the house all the time and likes his job, it's me he appears to have the problem with.

The great kindness people have shown to me and the support I've been getting on this site have made a difference in my life!!  I really appreciate all of you!!  I've let a lot of my stuff stay packed, my heart problem appears stable with medication and I see a Neurologist next week about the RSD and Fibro stuff... I "borrowed" this picture from Stanford, I hope ya'll enjoy the little mousy athlete, as I did... and to the researchers at Stanford, Thank you so very much for retaining a sense of humor!  You get credit for that and the photo!  Susie... 08/28/08

Oh' sometimes I have all the energy necessary to charge any windmill, but other times reality gives me a sharp nip and all I want is a little cabin in the woods and birds and animals that would dwell with me.  Does anyone else ever feel they were born a century or more too late and this world just doesn't FIT?

I do miss the animals so, I have some squirrels and lizards that think I'm pretty neat but I'm really not at my best in the city and wonder how I'm suposed to find the strength necessary to make even a little change in the crazyness going on in this world...  The Dali Lama, I'm not and sometimes the wounded spirit just wants to shut down and escape to be with the bears and wolves...  they will either like me, avoid me or eat me and those kind of clear messages would be a welcome change!

I'm tuckerd out, and if anybody is reading please pray for me to find the strength I need right now.  I probably won't know my exam grade till next week, and have to find a new place to live and it's all gotten to be a bit much.

Mockingbird's baby
High in the tree
Calling "NOW"
Peace comes with the meal   SBF

Have Final tomorrow and needed to rest and study... but "friend" didn't have place to stay and has been sick so let her visit for weekend.  I cooked, did her laundry and made sure she got lots of rest.  Payed me back by running up phone bill and taking things wish I still had, then called from in-laws house to say not friends anymore and please loose phone number!  Hadn't called me in months since last time wanted something from me.

Already disabled and have chest pain, can't seem to learn how to protect heart from careless people.  I guess must have gullible or sucker tatoo that only "users" can see on my face.  Regardless of harm will keep love in heart and forgive, but not forget.  Almost didn't let her visit, but always has hard luck story and I fell for it again.  Is the last time fall for that from her, have promised myself.

So much suffering in the world, is small thing in comparison... but still really hurt.  Wish was through with school and could start making bigger difference in this world, but am already old and tired so is taking a l-o-n-g time.  Getting good grades though, so will "keep on trucking" and hope for the best!

I'm wiped out from using every tool at my disposal to handle the chest pain, the doc I need's in Alaska having a break and I'm so tired all the time!  I finished my class except for the final next week, with a 98 and 99 on my assignments but the pleasure of good grades was wiped out pretty quickly when I got to bed and the pain started again.

I'm worried I'll never be able to finish my degree at this rate, but I'm stubborn and just keep taking one class at a time...  I should write a poem about being a junior forever!  I gave up my dream of medicine because RSD made it impossible to keep up with folks half my age, but I'd be a great Anthropologist!  My professor believes in me, so that's worth something... but I wonder if I'll be able to walk across the stage by the time I graduate.

Sorry!  I don't mean to complain, training horses was my dream, I was blessed with some of the best critters to work with and got to see them become Champions.  I wouldn't change that part of my life for anything.  But the idiot motorcycle rider with no tail, brake or turn lights changed my life forever.  I decided in a split second I couldn't live with myself if I killed him, swerved and my truck lost the fight with a suburban.  He got off without a scratch, just a pocketfull of tickets... his dad the wealthy lawyer took care of that, and I sure hope he has gone on to do something great with that life I held in my hand for a moment!

But, as I told the worried Mom today a TBI changes you... and while you may feel the same, the people around you drift away, sooner or later... they want the "Old You" back.  And that hurts, cause you want to yell at them, I'm right here in front of you and I swear I'm ME!  It took almost 15 years to come to the understanding they weren't "all" imagining something.  I'm different, although I remember me then-to-now as one continious being, to the people who knew and loved me... it was as if that person died, so eventually they all packed their bags and have gone away.

So, I started over... I was only 40, I could do it!  Well, I'm still tryin but it doesn't look so rosy being almost 49... to do the starting over thing, again and sick of being sick (if you all know what I mean!).  OK, learned to deal with Migranes, then visual migranes, then cervical pain, then two opperations and my memory doesn't work right anymore.  So, I take notes and come up with all kinds of memeory tricks even to remember your name.  Then, I thought getting the RSD was bad, but I dealt with it... slowed me down but I'm not (yet) dependant on Rx pain meds.

But this angina, is just about too much!  I want some nice normal every day disease for a change!  Nope, instead I have variant angina that's getting worse, nitro stopped working after 6 weeks and going to the ER was an exercise in futillity.  Unstable angina alright, but nitro cream didn't touch my pain... IV morphine helped until they shot my tummy full of heparin (didn't feel a thing until the nurse left the room), then I wanted to SCREAM!  8 hours in a decent ER with my textbook for company, but it must have been a full moon or something and no beds available, so they tried to stick me in a horrible monitoring "area" and I checked myself out in the middle of the night...

OK, not the smartest thing I'd ever done, but I had a migraine and when the "person in charge" of "snoring land" said he wasn't going to follow medication orders that I'd just straightened out with the Internist, I pretty much lost it.  And ended up walking home cause (of course) I'd missed the last bus.  It's amazing what a body can do, when it has to!  Took another three hours to go those 30 blocks (uphill), but I got home and took the migrane preventative (gabapentin) I'd needed at 9pm and pretty much swore off the ER!

I talked to the Nursing Supervisor, the Patient Advocate and Hospital Administration till even I was tired of the story, but did policy change, sorry can't tell you, did the idiot get reprimanded, sorry can't tell you.  And I think the worst part, was thay were 99% good people... and that one idiot has made it a place I'd rather not be.
Enough for now, I guess I needed to vent my frustrations a bit. May God Bless...