Hello Tramadol Warriors!

OK so I wanted to give you all an update, to give you the great news that the Tramadol withdrawal is now gone. G-O-N-E. This is Day 78 for me. No cravings.

I don't feel at all as if I am or have been damaged by the drug. I have to kind of strain to remember what it was like being on the drug. It's not difficult for me to remember withdrawal. I remember that very very well. It was extremely debilitating. I'm a little amazed I lived; but grateful.

Getting off Tramadol created much better health, less to zero back pain. Almost zero neuropathy into my right leg. Immediately after Cold Turkey, I felt so much better. I mean, I was in withdrawal but the most horrifying part of my life; fighting the Suicidal Ideation was over.

That is not to say that when I am triggered, I don't get the brief invasive thought that says, "I wish I were dead." The drug thought (one) isn't creative. It never ever varied. Only that one sentence. In my head. Now, I have to be messing with the other variables in my life to get triggered.

Tramadol is now gone!

There was the big "Your Car Is Totaled Accident" on 8-9-08. This was followed by finding out that the woman who hit me was A. Drunk and B. Had no Insurance. Since she tried to run away from the scene, no one is amazed.

Then yesterday I decided to get my house in order. I sadly, had to go to Ikea, a place I have avoided for years. As in organize all the nail polish! Hey, it's a start! SO I was going to buy a little cabinet to make it all neat and clean.  So on the way, I was sitting at a light, and a mini van literally backed right up into my other car. Car #1 is totaled. BUT; it's PANIC BUTTON STILL WORKS! LOL!

So after I get hit again yesterday, I literally said OUT LOUD in my BMW after the hit; "NO FREAKING WAY!?" I slam my car into reverse so that the person who hit me is now trapped and can't run away. See? I am learning. I get out of the car. I notice that my body got a nice shock from it. I look at the car. My car is a really old BMW, a little 3 series, really cute, and super metallic. Not like my Honda which was made of plastic mainly.

The BMW is fine. But the Minivan that backup onto it, is dented. Like the fender is crunched. Cause it's not metal. So the driver gets out and I am STARING at the BMW and I literally cannot See ANYTHING. No damage. Nadda!

The woman who gets out of the minivan is an old shaky woman. She immediately asks if I am OK. Which honestly is what people should do. But here in LA the people who have hit me have always been annoyingly unconcerned about my health! Poor older lady, she was shaking and all scared. She asked if my car had any damage. I didn't. She admitted that she didn't see me. I told her not to worry about it, and was she ok just getting her fender fixed. She looked so relieved. I patted her on the arm and told her not to worry about it and Have a nice day.

I still had time left after the Ikea Lab Rat experience ... run thru the long annoying store to ever find what you need. Stuff, stuff, too much stuff everywhere. I am reminded of when I was in Early Tramadol withdrawal and I would hide from the doorbell. Ht the ground and HIDE. Or not be able to answer the phone. I certainly couldn't have gone to Ikea!

After that I stopped at this Chinese Reflexology Place I know of. It's great! They use a bucket of super hot water, massage you, with towels over your clothes. They really work out the feet. I love Reflexology. They play Chinese-y Music. And they gave me a lovely massage. You know how much it costs for an hour? 30 including your tip$. It's great. I'm going to be there alot.

The accident in which the Honda was totaled had to remind me of what it was like to have back pain. LOL! Even now; after all that; I still have LESS lower back pain than I did WHILE I was on Tramadol. Which I think is incredible.

Enter the last pill I am on; which is Klonopin. Today I went to a amazing and fabulous Psychiatrist. That happened because I realized that a cold turkey from 2 mg of Klonopin wasn't going to work. And the way I realized it was by cutting my dose. Pretty soon I was reminded of what it was like to discontinue Klonopin without any help. It's too scary for me to do alone. It's not like Tramadol withdrawal. It is Electrical and there's brain zaps and odd Benzo symptoms. I have been successful at it before. I did that about two and a half years ago. It was about 17 days of feeling heavy withdrawal symptoms.

So I called this foundation that deals with Christian Counseling. I figured they might help me since I have no medical insurance and no idea who I would go to. They gave me a few names and since I figured by TODAY I would be out of Klonopin, I better get in soon. It meant having to cancel work. But I am really pleased with myself for finding a good Psychiatrist! I had to pay cash, $150, but it was worth it just not to have to go it alone.  I don't think I have any Family or Friends who could take another drug withdrawal story from me! Not after the extended version of Tramadol!

I thought it was funny when he asked me what my Spiritual Orientation was. Never ha anyone, not even a Doctor as me that. I answered, "Buddhist-Christian?" LOL!

So I am set for someone to help me taper. Thank Goodness!

Let me know how you all are doing when you can.

For those who have just found their way here; I promise Tramadol withdrawal does end.

Love and Healing;
Emily

Klonopin is the last drug I have to get off of. I feel confident after talking to my nice new Doctor that I will be able to manage it. :D

Day 62

I think I did not really believe in he 30 day, 60 day, 90 day flare up/trigger but I'm just going to go ahead and say that; that's probably true.

Even if you aren't "addicted" and are "dependant" on a substance, something strange happens around those days. Which it has for me. Triggered seemingly out of nowhere was indeed massive and unrelenting anxiety. Maybe it's the whole fat cell turn over of toxins? Who knows? But yeah, in my experience with tramadol I am seeing this as quite true.

Part of this is of course that the car accident I just had on 8-9-08? was probably rated as severe. So, another severe car accident. I thought I was doing ok all week at work UNTIL the weekend or maybe Friday night. Then it felt like someone had taken a bat to my upper back. My arms literally felt as if they would fall out of their sockets. Which would be unfortunately (insert some swear words here) and inconvenient. Seeing as how I love a fresh manicure ....

Anyhow, I'll say this. This pain I am in right now. It's causing me anxiety. The accident itself cause some post traumatic accident anxiety. I finally just turned the whole thing over to an attorney I know fairly well. Sorry lawyer Lady, I'm going to make a crack and say, "Yeah, but how well can you ever know a Lawyer?" He's a PI attorney so ...

Ok so here's what happens that I attribute to the way Tramadol has re-wired and re-fired my brains. Physical pain onset. Instead of thinking; Oh I should grab an ice pack and some OTC pain killer I go to ... panic. 0-to anxiety attack in 60 seconds.

This morning I woke up and thought, "Oh my Gawd I am in so much pain I wish I were dead."  This thought scared me because it's that same ole suicidal ideation back again and it's been here a couple of days mainly in the morning. I simply cannot fall asleep early enough and I can't lay in bed half asleep, half awake because my brain and the bad drug thoughts come back and shell me. Badly.

For me Suicidal Ideation was NON stop when I used Tramadol. I think it took a few months to show up, after I started using it. But no doctor ever caught it; so I got diagnosed with a panic disorder and put on klonopin. So I am not sure if the panic diagnosis is real or not. Again. This whole experience has made me realize why people bang their head against a wall.

So I drug my body downstairs, Got all the cats fed, grabbed an ice pack and realized another crucial point is that I am letting myself get too cold. Bad for a number of reasons but esp bad if you are say; using ICE PACKS to decrease swelling post car accident.

And. I'm running out of Klonopin. Which I think I have been on for about 3 years? I quit once thinking that the klonopin was giving me the suicidal ideation. And yes. Benzo withdrawal was very very bad. But honestly unless I get myself to a psychiatrist soon, I'll e on a "run out of klonopin taper."  Seeing a psychiatrist; How will that happen? I no longer have medical insurance. I'm going to run out of Klonopin. Funny thing is that running out of klonopin will cause you anxiety if you are dependant on it. Hopefully ... I'll either get to an understanding Doc who can taper me, or .... (train of thought is now officially lost. This would never happen in Germany where trains run on time to the second and probably never ever get lost!)

Also I think the reality of seeing my smashed up car all weekend really did a number on my head. The reality of it is that I could have been killed. People get killed in that kind of accident all of the time. Their occipital bone slides forward and servers their spinal cord, paralyses or kills them. So after spending a weekend seeing that squished car by Tuesday going back to work was a head trip. So much anxiety about driving. Because again, another accident another bad driver. And my car, was really running beautifully. I had spent money to get it fixed. It had new brakes, new battery, new alternator, oil change, new brakes.

ACK!

And now it is completely totaled. Squished. I know I am to be grateful that I am still alive and hurt, but not seriously hurt. I'm scared because the lower back pain which vanished is back with a vengeance and ... I was really enjoying it being gone! I mean, as much as you can enjoy this when you have withdrawal going on at the same time.

I hope all of you are well. Let me know if you can how you are doing. The Tramadol is a horrible drug and for me the experience was hair raising to say the least! I really really hope you all are making it thru, it's really nice. Even if your car is totaled and even if you get bronchitis in the middle of all of it. It is wonderful to laugh again. A real laugh, not a fake one. I never realized how much my laugh had vanished, until it returned.

Love and healing,
Emily

Day 56

The last time I had Tramadol withdrawal pain was on day 48 and maybe day 49. At least 50% of the former lethargy is gone. Does it get "normal" again? Yes. It takes time and doing the right thing.

Vitamins, water, good food.

On Saturday after work, This is what happened to my car.  Obviously, I was driving. No passengers. SO ... this happened to me also.

http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll223/Lazlo_8/PancakeHonda1.jpg

In this shot it looks like it could eat an entire turkey ...

http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll223/Lazlo_8/PancakeHonda2.jpg

It got towed home and then remarkably, my husband started it and drove it back into the driveway. Yes, it still runs. I have a friend who says it still runs via the power of gerbils and fairies.

:)

So in front of a cop car, I was making a left ... facing north. I was almost thru the intersection when a woman came out of nowhere and slammed into the front driver's side of my car. I slammed on the brake but she was coming too fast; literally almost racing. My car sun and ended up facing west.

I pulled to the nearest side of the road, and had people knocking  on my windows. Are you ok? No. Are you ok? No. No No. It only got worse when I saw the car squashed like a pancake. n the words of the police, "Miss, you can't drive this car."

I couldn't find my cell phone, so i finally asked one of them to call it so I could find it. It was lodged between the passenger's side door and the seat. I asked the witnesses if they had seen what happened. She ran a left light. She would have had to have an arrow to turn there. I asked for their names and numbers. None of them would give it to me. Cause it's LA.

Then the witnesses to me that the reason I didn't see the other car was that the cop car was busy chasing her down because she had fled the scene. She was brought back in the cop car.  She denied making an illegal left. The cop showed me the signal and explained it because my bell was rung.

After all the chaos, I sat and waited for my husband and the tow truck. I thought, interesting that ... I JUST got in a car accident and here it is Day 50 something and I have almost no pain in my low back and in my leg.  Because that ... was being caused by Tramadol.

Tramadol causes pain.

I worked yesterday, will work today.  I am sore, but not unbearably sore.

Tramadol; the chronic pain drug that causes pain.

Love and healing,
Emily

Don't give up. The pain, lethargy and depression/anxiety goes away/. It just takes supportive care and time. Whatever you do, don't take Tramadol. If you have cravings, know they pass in exactly seven minutes. Love to youse guys!

Hi Friends;

Holy Mother of Tramadol FOG!

Early morning and all morning has been ... the height of suckiness. It got better once I just cried.  I felt better after that. I think now alot of the emotional stuff is hitting me. I'm not numbed by a drug and I have 5 years of emotional cellular storage to work thru I think.

May I Trust Higher Power to restore me to sanity!?

I got an email this morning from my Mother who says she's coming here in September?  I can't even think that far in advance. I'm thinking stuff like, "I have to brush my hair and take a shower." It seems like an insurmountable prospect!

I have such respect for anyone who has come off Tramadol and .... I don't know ... maintained a life?

Mud mud mud everywhere. Walking thru mud.

I just took vitamins and a big cup of Lecithin granules which are supposed to decrease anxiety. I feel frightened and alone. These are DRUG THOUGHTS. But they get scary. It's like randomly losing your mind, and then suddenly; "POP" you are back to "normal."

This is like running a marathon and then, when you are done, they say, "OK! It's time for the Marathon!"  You say, "I just ran one?" And they say, "Phish phish no no, it's time for the marathon!"

Yeah.

Marathon Man Pain.

Idiot Tramadol.

Love and healing,
Eve

How in the world am I gonna get to work today? THAT is the question friends. It's only half a day and it seems completely out of the question. My eyes hurt, my brain hurts. The anxiety is lessening. I think I now understand why people bang their own heads against a wall.