Savana and I haven't been fighting as much lately, which is a pretty good thing, but even though we've been getting along better, I still feel depressed almost every minute of every day. I still feel like no one understands me. I'm just sick of the world I live in. I hate almost everyone I know, including my family. Even so, things have been a bit better. I've started drawing again, which helps when I need to vent. But I still don't think I'm any good at it. In fact, I don't think I'm any good at anything. I blame my 5th grade teacher, Ms. Threadgill, who I am pretty sure I'm mentioned in a previous journal entry. In case you didn't read it, she was the worst teacher on the planet. She was always telling my friends and I that we were going to be failures for the rest of our lives. Also, I was (and still am) in the gifted program, which means there's even more pressure for me to get things done right. I always do well at the beginning of the year, but around the middle of the semester, my grades start dropping. It's just the stress. I can't stand the feeling that I have to do everything perfectly, or I'll fail. If I do one thing wrong, it makes me feel even worse, and if I do something right, I still feel like I've failed. My gifted teacher, Mr. Brockinton, was pretty nice, but could be strict. He always told me I could do better, and I always thought he was wrong, that I could never do anything better. What's funny is that we were both so stubborn. We were always getting into arguements. I kind of miss him.. He was the only teacher there that actually believed I could do better.

I still haven't cried. My friend says that I need to just let myself have a nice, long cry, and I'll feel better, but I refuse. I can't remember the last time I cried, but I remember that it made me feel small, helpless, and weak. I hate feeling like that, so I don't let myself cry, no matter how horrible I feel. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about.. anything, really. I'm always listening to music, but I only listen to music that reveals how I really feel. The songs "Let it Die", "Gone Forever" and "Time of Dying" are the ones that really get to me.. I'm not going to type out the lyrics to all of them, just one. "Let it Die". Then, I'll type out a quote that I found that means a lot to me.

"We had fire in our eyes
In the beginning I
Never felt so alive
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

We had time on our side
In the beginning we
We had nothing to hide
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore"

And the quote is, "The worst part is, I would still die for you."
And if you're wondering who the songs apply to, I'm not telling. Not yet, anyway. (And it isn't Savana.)

I hate school. I have tons of reasons to.
It might also be another cause for my depression..
I hate the work. In my opinion, it's just a waste of time..
Besides, I hate my old school..
In 5th grade, I had the meanest teacher ever, and I am not exaggerating when I say that.
Her name is Ms. Threadgill. (I think it was Mrs. Threadgill.. But who on earth would marry that woman?!)
She hated me. I know she did. She was always telling me I was going to be a failure..
I'm not the only one. She told that to my friends, too. But I think she disliked them just BECAUSE they were my friends.
She picks favorites. Once, my friend forgot to turn in a worksheet and received a 0. Another girl name Katrina (prep and complete suck-up) forgot the exact same worksheet on the exact same day, and Ms. Threadgill let her turn it in the next day and she got full credit.
I was so bad in that class. I got in trouble a lot, but that was because I was always blamed for things I didn't do!
I didn't turn in many assignments.. The only way I passed is that I aced the FCAT. (Above average.)
I just never felt motivated. My life was (still is) a depressing mess, I was never encouraged to do better, I was always being taunted by the other students, not a single teacher has ever told me "good job" or anything like that.
Even my principal hated me!
Now that isn't my fault. It's my brother's. I hate my brother. I never loved him, not even a tiny bit.
My brother always acted up in class, yelling, swearing, and threatening the teachers.
He finally had to be homeschooled. He can be pretty violent at times, but I have never once felt the least bit afraid of him. I know he doesn't have the guts to hurt me or my sister.
Right now he's staying at this foster home.. He visits sometimes, and he's still the same as he used to be.
It's his fault that my life was hell in that school!
The principal just had to ASSUME that because I was his younger sister, I would (for some reason) take after him and be just as bad.
I finally stopped trying at the end of the year.
I'm doing the same this year.
I might not pass the 6th grade. I don't care. It isn't my fault.
I STILL never feel motivated to try my best.. Even if I do, I feel it isn't enough.
I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always be a failure. A failure at school. A failure in every single social group. A failure at life.
Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder what I ever did to deserve this. I never did anything. I am (well, used to be..) a good kid. It's not my fault!
Hell, I hate my parents, too!
I hate them so much!
I blame my mom because she tried to commit suicide. I blame my dad because he never encourages me and is always yelling at me, but is always so nice to my sister. I feel like they hate me for some reason. I hate my brother. (I already explained why.) I'm just friends with my sister. She never did anything..
I hate almost everyone I know. The day my parents die will be the happiest day of my life. I don't love them. It's like I can't even love anyone anymore! I can't even feel love anymore! This is what all of this has done to me! I'm becoming a heartless, sociopathic freak! Not to mention suicidal. Do you know how many times I have thought of killing myself? I think about it every minute of every day. I have a sword. I can do it whenever I want. All I have to do is place the sword on my throat and stab..
The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the (faint) belief that tomorrow will be better. Guess what? Tomorrow is NEVER BETTER. It's either worse or the same! Getting nagged at for not doing my work, never being encouraged by ANYONE! I have no reason to try harder! I don't even care if I fail! If I do, then I'll just kill myself. Right now, it is very likely I will, but failing will just ensure it.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of the depression. I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of those jerks that are always acting like the world is such a great place. I'm tired of those idiots that always have those big, stupid grins on their face. I'm tired of the taunting. I'm tired of the work. I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of being me.
I just want to die. I want to end it all. The thought is so tempting. No matter how much I try to convince myself not to, I always consider killing myself. Once I even thought of a suicide note. "Like mother, like daughter." She ought to know what it means.. Yes, she'll know. She'll know and it will break her. I'll even write letters to every signifigant person in my life. My language arts teacher, Mrs. Godwin. My math teacher, Ms. Taylor. My dad. Ms. Threadgill. My friends..
Yes, when I think about suicide I try to think about my friends, but I'm starting to feel like I don't even have any friends. My only true friend is Savana, and I've been yelling at her a lot more lately. I hate that I'm such a jerk to her. I hate that I'm such a jerk to everyone. I hate the way I am.
I especially hate the way people look at me at school.
I can't describe it, but it makes me want to kill them right then and there.
It's sort of a look that says, "there goes that emo freak.."
Full of hate and scorn. I hate it. I hate it so much! I never did anything! It isn't my fault I'm like this! I didn't do anything!
I don't deserve this, any of it.. I just want someone to tell me it's not my fault.. I want someone to confide in (in real life), but I just don't trust anyone that much.
I'm just a kid, but I don't feel like one. I don't even feel human anymore.
I'm staring at the sword right now.
. . .
Not today.
Some day, but not today.

Lately, I've been having these horrible dreams, these horrible bloody dreams..
Long story short, 4 ( soon to be 5 ) years ago, I saw my mom try to commit suicide my stabbing herself in the wrist with a large knife. I don't think that they know I saw.. I ran to my room straight after. I've never told anyone about it until I joined MedHelp. A few days after I posted my journal entry about it, I told my best friend Savana because I was sick of hiding it from her. ( We had made a promise to never hide anything from each other. )
For some reason, it's starting to affect me worse now than ever.
I've been having dreams about it.. I keep reliving that horrible nightmare.. Sometimes it replays over and over in my mind when I close my eyes. I can't stand it.
I've been feeling the strangest thing lately, though..
Guilt.

I don't know why, but I feel like I could have stopped her. I feel like if I had just yelled something like, "Mommy! Daddy!" or something, that would have distracted them from the fight, stopping it from going too far..
I feel like it was all my fault, though I don't remember what the arguement was about. Once I even woke up crying. I can't remember what the dream was about, but I think I already know.
When my mom stabbed herself in the wrist, she almost died. She could have died. That's what keeps on bothering me.

Ever since my cat Fluffy died, I've had this fear of being abandoned..
When I was little, I had a cat named Fluffy.. I never thought of her as a pet. Never. Not even for one second. She wasn't a pet. She was my best friend. I didn't get along with anyone else that well. I could tell Fluffy anything, and she seemed to understand.
But one day, she had this wound on her paw and it was bleeding quite a bit.
I told my parents to take her to the vet - No, I ordered them to take her to the vet.
They said she'd be fine until we got back from the store.
I reluctantly went with them, telling them to hurry the whole time so we could get home, and when we got home, what else was I to discover but the corpse of my best (cat) friend in the world in the middle of the living room.
She was curled up and there were bloody pawprints everywhere.
Even though I was young, I understood that she was gone forever.
I ran over to her and started crying.
I turned to my parents and yelled, "I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!"

I never forgave them. Ever since then, I've been afraid to make friends because I feel like something will happen to them.. That they might die. I'm afraid of forming any close relationship with anyone. I'm afraid that they might leave me.
Even now as I type this I feel like I might start to cry any second. I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't like to cry. Not at all. It makes me feel weak and helpess. I hate those feelings.
So I basically tried to shut myself off from the world.
The only person I ever began to trust was my best (human) friend, Savana.
It took about 3 years for me to come to trust her, and now I'd trust her with my very life if it ever came to that.
Sometimes I regret that I'd become friends with her, and other times I feel as though it was the best decision I'd ever made.

About a year or two ago, when my cat Spongebob got a large cut on his leg, my mom called the vet immediately. It was bad. Very bad. I went over to him, stroked his fur and kept muttering, "It's okay, It's okay.. You're going to be alright.." Then I started sobbing.
My mom asked me what was wrong, and I said, "I don't want him to die.. Not like Fluffy. Not like Fluffy, mom!"
She looked a bit confused, and then I realized that I might be the only one that remembers Fluffy.
I'm also afraid to forget.
I've been trying to keep Fluffy's memory alive as long as possible. I don't want her to feel forgotten. I don't want her to feel abandoned.

Now, as I try to recall what she looks like, I am horrified to discover that I can barely remember her appearance.
I know she was fluffy (hence the name), and I think she had black fur.. I think her eyes were yellow.. Maybe green? Blue? I can't remember anything specific. Every time I think about Fluffy, I feel empty inside. I don't feel like I lost a pet. I lost a friend. Maybe not a friend.. I miss her like I would miss a dead relative that I'd known my whole life. (Luckily, all of my relatives are alive and well.. As far as I know... Oh, and Spongebob lived. We got him to the vet in time.)
If my mom had died.. I don't know what I would have done.
If anything happens to Savana, I don't know that I will do.
I once had a dream that she was killed. It was so real, so vivid, that when I woke up, I felt terrified, I could barely breathe, and I almost started to cry.
When I saw her in school I almost cried tears of joy. I almost ran up to her and hugged her.
At lunch I told her about the dream. (More like nightmare.)
I said it was just a dream, though.
I think I was actually trying to convince myself more than her.
( I'm sorry that this is so long! I really needed to type all of this.. My apologies! )

..Well.. The past few days have been.. Odd..
Mainly the weekend, though.
I was cutting my fingers with tacks.. on purpose.. and I didn't know why..
I wasn't cutting to make myself bleed, or to cause pain.. I was just doing it because I was bored..
So here's the aftermath of cutting your fingers with tacks:
You have problems writing. (With pencils, pens, or anything else that requires you to actually touch it in order to use it. I am so glad that I didn't have much work today at school...)
You can't eat salty foods. (The salt will get into the cuts.. trust me, I know.)
Your fingers sometimes start to burn for no reason.
It hurts to hold anything.
You might worry your friends.
An adult might notice, and you might have to go to counseling or therapy~. (I was worried about that all day..)
Advice:
YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE CUTTING YOURSELF WITH ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE!
IT'S STUPID! D: WHY INFLICT HARM ON YOURSELF WHEN YOU CAN INFLICT HARM ON OTHER PEOPLE THAT DON'T DESERVE IT!? (Sorry. Just trying to lighten to mood with some odd humor.)
Also, don't try to actually show off your cuts/scars. >_>; Word might spread that you cut yourself, and that might make people taunt you (more than usual. x_<) and spread rumors.
Normally, I just ignore things like that. Especially if the rumors are obviously not true. But when they say that you're going out with some guy you just happen to hang out with all the time (not my fault he never leaves me alone), that's when you have to stand up and try to do something about them.
Whenever someone asks if we're going out, I just want to kill them.. Or beat and torture them until they swear to stop asking.. *thinks* Either is fine with me.
Anyways, I think I'm done babbling for the moment.
Have a nice day, and be careful with tacks and other sharp objects!~ :D