i got a call from someone selling hydros for a buck a piece...man what a buy...if it would have been me 4 months ago i would have jumped on that deal.  thank you Jesus for keeping me in your arms.  i am stronger now than ever and i just said no.  i am pround of me

IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY AND HERE IT IS FOUR MONTHS LATER.  HOURS DRAGGED INTO DAYS THEN INTO WEEKS NOW HERE IT IS 4  MONTHS LATER.    I KNOW THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF A LONG HARD ROAD AHEAD.  THIS ROAD WILL NOT GRAB ME THOUGH.  IT WILL ONLY LEAD ME TO BETTER THINGS.  I HAVE GONE DOWN TOO MANY WRONG ROADS AND IT S GREAT TO HAVE FINALLY FOUND THE RIGHT ONE..THE ROAD TO FREEDOM...THE ROAD TO I AM IN CONTROL..THE ROAD TO SPIRITUAL SELF BEING..THE ROAD TO MYSELF.   IT S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO FOLLOW BUT IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO.  NO MORE U TURNS FOR ME..ONLY STRAIGHT AHEAD.  I KNOW I WILL NEED GUIDANCE AND I HOPE GOD IS ALWAYS WITH ME IN MY TIME OF NEED.  
ONLY SAW ONE DRUG DEAL SINCE MY LAST ENTRY.  ALL I COULD THINK IS I M GLAD THAT S NOT ME ANYMORE.  I JUST FEEL FOR THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO ARE STILL PLAYING THE GAME OF CHASE.  I CAN T SEEM TO GET THROUGH..THE PILLS ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO THEM.  I GUESS EVERYONE HAS TO DECIDE WHEN THE GAME IS OVER.  I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO HELP EVERYONE GOING THROUGH THIS MADNESS BUT I KNOW I CAN T.  
ONLY USING MELATONIN FOR SLEEP NOW..I SLEEP PRETTY DECENT NOW.  THE FIRST MONTH WAS HORRIBLE.  SLEEP IS WONDERFUL FOR THE SOUL.  
SOME DAYS ARE GOOD AND SOME DAYS ARE TERRIBLE BUT THATS LIFE.  BUT SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL SO BAD I DON T THINK I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY ESPECIALLY AT WORK.  I FEEL LIKE I COULD FALL OVER.  I M GOING TO POST ON THIS IF THIS DOES NOT GET BETTER.  I M EATING WELL, TAKING VITAMINS AND GETTING PLENTY OF SLEEP.  DON T KNOW WHAT COMES OVER ME BUT WHEN IT HITS I FEEL REAL BAD.  MAYBE YOU GOTTA FEEL REAL BAD BEFORE YOU FEEL GOOD.  WHO KNOWS..TIME WILL TELL.  
THE BEST PART OF RECOVERY IS WAKING UP IN THE MORNING AND NOT PLANNING THE DAY AROUND PILLS...MAN THAT IS SUCH A RELIEF FOR ME.  NOT WORRYING ABOUT DAMN PILLS.   I USED TO THINK OF THEM RIGHT BEFORE SLEEP AND AS SOON AS I WOKE UP..BUT NOT NO MORE AND IT S A REAL GREAT FEELING TO HAVE TAKIN HOLD OF MY LIFE AGAIN AND FEEL NORMAL.  I GUESS I WILL END THIS 4 MONTH JOURNAL ENTRY AND BE BACK AT 5 MONTHS..THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU MED HELP FRIENDS, THANK YOU FAMILY AND FRIENDS..I LOVE YOU...GOD BLESS US ALL

HERE I AM 2 MONTHS DRUG FREE AND I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER.  LIFE IS SO GOOD WITHOUT PILLS.  NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THAT BUT IT IS.    I KNOW WHY I WAS TAKING TO MANY MEDS AND NOW I AM DEALING WITH LIFE STRAIGHT UP AND IT S NOT THAT BAD.  I FEEL LIKE A FOOL FOR WASTING ALL THOSE YEARS ON DRUGS BUT I CANNOT CHANGE THAT.  I FEEL GOOD FOR MAKING A CHANGE.  I THANK GOD FOR ALL MY FRIENDS WHO SUPPORT ME AND MY FAMILY WHO STILL LOVE ME.  GOD HAS BEEN TESTING ME LATELY AND I AM SHOWING HIM I AM STRONG AND CAN RESIST TEMPTATION AND SERVE HIM THE BEST I CAN.  I HAVE BEEN OFFERED PILLS SINCE MY LAST JOURNAL.  I JUST SAID NO LIKE THE SAYING GOES.  STILL FEEL SOME GUILT BUT ALOT OF IT HAS LEFT.  I KNOW I AM ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY AND PLAN TO KEEP ON IT.  DEPRESSION HAS LEFT FINALLY BUT LIKE EVERYONE I HAVE HIGHS AND LOWS.  I AM EATING TOO MUCH..KINDA TRADED ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER BUT THATS OK COS FOOD IS GOOD.  ENERGY IS RETUNING BUT SOME DAYS ARE JUST BLAAAH.  THATS NORMAL TOO I THINK.  HAVING BEAT THIS ADDICTION I FEEL CLOSER TO THE LORD THAN EVER.  I PRAY MORE OFTEN AND JUST ENJOY THE BEAUTY HE HAS GIVEN US, SOMETHING I TOOK FOR GRANTED.  LIFE IS GOOD.  I DO CRAVE THE PILLS BUT THINK BACK ON THE EARLY DAYS OF WDS AND I DON T EVEN WANT TO GO THERE.   I THINK MY BRAIN IS STILL HEALING THOUGH.  I M WORKING OUT AND GETTING OFF THE COUCH AND LAUGHTER IS THE BEST BRAIN CURE.  TRUE GENUINE LAUGHTER WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SO GREAT.  AS I CLOSE THIS ENTRY I WANT TO THANK ALL MY FRIENDS HERE AT MED HELP FOR EVERYTHING.  I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.  I KNOW I VE SAID IT BEFORE BUT IT IS SO TRUE.  LOVE TO ALL.  MAY GOD BLESS US AND ALWAYS KEEP US SAFE.  

today i feel extremely tired..worked 18 hours the past two days and being on my feet doesn t help.  sometimes i wish i had a sit down job but i might find it boring.  i been a bartender for 22 years now.  it s a fun job but also stressful at times when i hear so many problems from my customers or if someone has to be cut off.  most stressful of all is all the drugs around me..drives me crazy..i saw i pain pill deal yesterday and thought to myself man i m glad i m done with that but it gets to me at times making me depressed.  how stupid was i to get looped in the drug scene, but i guess we all do stupid things in our life.  i have to work tomorrow too..ugggh..me feet hurt.  just thought i d write down my thoughts on this day.  it makes me feel better.  7 more days till 50 days clean..still cant believe i did it but i did with the help of God and this forum.  got to keep on truckin forward and straight.  God bless us all..Amen