The other night we had gotten to another heated arguement.  Over the same sh!t.  But the outcome was a little different this time.  I had made him a scrap book of our life together.  I was so surprised when he cried.  After he finished looking at it, he hugged me and apologized for all he had done to me and said that he had forgotten about a lot of things and he really needed to see this.  So the arguement occurred a few nights after but after I calmed down he asked me if I wanted him to quit his job.  He would do whatever it takes to make me comfortable again.  I told him, no, temptation exists all over, it's you who has to be the one to stay commited, even if it's being handed to you on a silver platter.  You have to resist temptation, you have to stay true to our family.  Girls will be every where, even a new job, it's not the job, it comes from within.  You need to have values and morals.  He then said that he wants to get married this summer.  After we get back from our friend's wedding in Puerto Rico.  He wants us to finally take that step.  That he loves me and he loves our son and he will never leave us.  He wants to make this work.  The love has been coming back that we once had and he looks forward to coming home to see me.  He loves waking up and having our son jumping on us while we lay in bed.  This is what life is all about.  I said to him, that I would love to marry him but he has so much more to prove to me.  He's been great, coming home early, spending time as a family, planning special dates for him and I.  But, it's only been a short while and only time can tell if this will last.  I don't want to get married and then have to get divorced.  So I told him, yes, we can make a date but I can't promise anything because so much damage was done to me and this relationship, I can't just jump into something like that.  I know that's what I wanted and it feels good that after all of this, he wants to move forward and I do as well.  I just think that I need to go into this with my eyes wide open and have hope but also prepare myself for disappointment just in case.

I don't know why I would even be thinking marriage after all of this drama in my relationship.  I guess after being engaged for 2 years, I just think it's the next step.  Why would I even be thinking that when our relationship is so unsteady?  I had asked him about marriage and his response was, let's see how things go, we need to fix our issues first and focus on repairing the relationship, then we can talk marriage.  I got upset.  Why am I upset when that is the smartest, most logical thing he has ever said?  What was I thinking?  A marriage is not going to make things better, it's not going to take away the hurt or make the betrayal go away, it could make things worse if we aren't solid.  I am so stupid for even thinking it yet.  Right now we need to take things one day at a time and see how this month goes.  I've threatened kicking him out numerous times, a marriage wouldn't make it better.  I just need to take a step back and focus on what's really important and that's building us back up, trusting him again and making us a happy, loving family.  Marriage, ha, what a silly thing to even consider right now.  

Well, therapy has been going really well for Rich and I.  We've made huge changes in our relationship.  We have learned to communicate better, make real efforts in keeping it fresh and exciting and trying our hardest to move forward.  One thing that really shocked me in our last session was where did our love go?  The therapist asked us when was the last time you really felt loved by the other person?  Both our answers were the same....we don't remember!  How sad is that?  The fact that neither one of us could remember when the last time we really felt loved by one another is astounding.  How did we let it get to that point?  How long would it have gone on that way if we hadn't had a shock to our relationship?  It's crazy how much you can take a relationship for granted.  How you can live with one another but not really be making true efforts to keep the love alive.  It's work, and it's hard but you have to work on it constantly, or else you will be stuck in a loveless relationship.  She asked me, when was the last time I had done something romantic for Richie, and honestly, it had been a really long time.  The same goes for him.  It's been really nice lately, we have been so affectionate, so loving, so considerate.  It feels really good.  Like the connection we once had is back again.  I've longed for this for so long from him, we were both taking each other for granted.  I was really hurt by what he did but even if he hadn't of done it, I don't think we would've lasted the way were going.  Thank god for therapy, that's all I have to say.

I know it's ridiculous and I should be really lucky that I have my mom to watch my son every day.  I sometimes find myself getting resentful of the fact that her and my son are so close and that he chooses her over me.  I'm grateful that I don't have a wacky babysitter to watch him or that I don't have to drop him off at daycare and constantly wonder if he's being well taken care of.  I just get so sad that I can't stay home with him every day.  I come home from a long day at work and want that bonding time with him but whenever he sees my mom, he reaches for her and cries.  I feel so rejected, by my own child.  I know she's his caregiver the majority of the time but the benefits to having a babysitter or day care center is that once you take your child they are not around the baby sitter or day care provider.  They are home with you ALONE.  I don't have that luxury.  I'm there all the time with my mom.  I find myself snapping at her, telling her that I want my alone time with Jayden to bond with him and if she keeps coming around us when I'm with him, he is focused on her and not me.  How can I tell my mom to stay in her room when I am home?  It's not my place.  She tries just to appease me but it's not her fault.  She's a great grandmother.  I just feel so sad sometimes and frustrated.  He always gives me a hard time, eating dinner is always a challenge.  He never wants what I feed him and then my mom says "well he always eats with me."  Great, I'm a failure.  I would give anything to stay at home with him.  It's so depressing.