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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Hwo do I come to terms with my lack of arousal?
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
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Hwo do I come to terms with my lack of arousal?
by FlyingHatchetMadness, Sep 04, 2008 05:39PM
I'm eighteen years of age, involved in a long term monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
I was sexually abused at a young age (between six and eight, I can't remember,) by a couple of neighborhood boys. My parents never knew about this. As I became more sexually mature, I realized that the abuse left me with a warped sexual drive. I am turned on by S/M, rape, and other sexual violence of that nature. I've come to terms with this aspect of myself and I don't think that it's a problem mentally for me. I don't seek out abuse, nor do I wish to administer it. It's purely fantasy. My personal fantasies include mostly situations where I am at the complete whim of a caring, yet firm male partner.
Only recently have we discussed our sexual natures with each other in the fullest, and that's when he learned of my personal fantasies. He was very supportive, and he even said he would be willing to live my fantasy with me. I agreed, and now he 'owns' me. For the first two weeks this was absolutely thrilling, I enjoyed the best sex of my life, yet was still unable to get off. After that, our arrangement began to seep into our practical lives and has left us with some challenges. The largest being that he doesn't want me to work.
My father always liked to spend too much money, and if it weren't for my mother's financial diligence I would have been homeless growing up. My mother made very sure to teach me that I needed to be completely self sufficient, regardless of who I was seeing. This fight between what I know to be true morally and my desire to be only what my partner wants me to be is really hurting my sex life. Sex is bland, pointless and no longer fun for me. I don't know how to make my fantasy work practically, and now without it sex doesn't do anything for me.
I don't know who to talk to about this, so I'm hoping the doctors here can shed some light on my problem. Thank you so much for trying to help.
I was sexually abused at a young age (between six and eight, I can't remember,) by a couple of neighborhood boys. My parents never knew about this. As I became more sexually mature, I realized that the abuse left me with a warped sexual drive. I am turned on by S/M, rape, and other sexual violence of that nature. I've come to terms with this aspect of myself and I don't think that it's a problem mentally for me. I don't seek out abuse, nor do I wish to administer it. It's purely fantasy. My personal fantasies include mostly situations where I am at the complete whim of a caring, yet firm male partner.
Only recently have we discussed our sexual natures with each other in the fullest, and that's when he learned of my personal fantasies. He was very supportive, and he even said he would be willing to live my fantasy with me. I agreed, and now he 'owns' me. For the first two weeks this was absolutely thrilling, I enjoyed the best sex of my life, yet was still unable to get off. After that, our arrangement began to seep into our practical lives and has left us with some challenges. The largest being that he doesn't want me to work.
My father always liked to spend too much money, and if it weren't for my mother's financial diligence I would have been homeless growing up. My mother made very sure to teach me that I needed to be completely self sufficient, regardless of who I was seeing. This fight between what I know to be true morally and my desire to be only what my partner wants me to be is really hurting my sex life. Sex is bland, pointless and no longer fun for me. I don't know how to make my fantasy work practically, and now without it sex doesn't do anything for me.
I don't know who to talk to about this, so I'm hoping the doctors here can shed some light on my problem. Thank you so much for trying to help.
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Sep 09, 2008 02:04PM
, Sep 09, 2008 02:04PM
Hello.
First of all: great screen name.
Secondly, you stated: “As I became more sexually mature, I realized that the abuse left me with a warped sexual drive.” Please don’t put those judgments on yourself. Everyone is different, and we’re all turned on by diverse thoughts and acts—some having to do with past experience and others just uniquely “us.” Your sexual interests are yours, and please don’t let anyone tell you they’re inappropriate, “warped” or any other negative term.
So doing a “lifestyle” fantasy isn’t working for you—for obvious reasons. It’s not a turn-on for you to be someone’s submissive in “real” life, but rather only during sex. And now that you’re conflicted about this, it’s ruining your arousal.
You state: “My personal fantasies include mostly situations where I am at the complete whim of a caring, yet firm male partner.” Is it possible to renegotiate with your partner so that the two of you work out your fantasy purely during sex, as you expressed?
It sounds like your partner has become enamored with the idea of you being submissive to him, helpless, etc. during your non-sexual time. If so, you’ll need to discuss this because clearly, that’s not going to work for you and it’s not what you want.
Realize that all couples must work through these kinds of negotiations—whether having to do with sex or otherwise. This won’t be the first time you will find yourself at an impasse. You need to learn how to talk with each other and express yourselves. The key is: “What can we do, together, that works for BOTH of us?” You’ll need to find a skilled counselor who is trained to work with both sexual and relationship issues. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
First of all: great screen name.
Secondly, you stated: “As I became more sexually mature, I realized that the abuse left me with a warped sexual drive.” Please don’t put those judgments on yourself. Everyone is different, and we’re all turned on by diverse thoughts and acts—some having to do with past experience and others just uniquely “us.” Your sexual interests are yours, and please don’t let anyone tell you they’re inappropriate, “warped” or any other negative term.
So doing a “lifestyle” fantasy isn’t working for you—for obvious reasons. It’s not a turn-on for you to be someone’s submissive in “real” life, but rather only during sex. And now that you’re conflicted about this, it’s ruining your arousal.
You state: “My personal fantasies include mostly situations where I am at the complete whim of a caring, yet firm male partner.” Is it possible to renegotiate with your partner so that the two of you work out your fantasy purely during sex, as you expressed?
It sounds like your partner has become enamored with the idea of you being submissive to him, helpless, etc. during your non-sexual time. If so, you’ll need to discuss this because clearly, that’s not going to work for you and it’s not what you want.
Realize that all couples must work through these kinds of negotiations—whether having to do with sex or otherwise. This won’t be the first time you will find yourself at an impasse. You need to learn how to talk with each other and express yourselves. The key is: “What can we do, together, that works for BOTH of us?” You’ll need to find a skilled counselor who is trained to work with both sexual and relationship issues. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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All the best. arjun